Why Is It Like This?
by Ambient Dark Melody
Summary: L is emotionally tortured as he contemplates Light as being Kira... and as his only friend.


_**Why is It Like This**_

The ceiling fan turned slowly. The faint sound of air moving was the only sound in the hotel room. No one occupied it, except for the great detective of the world, known only as L. The young man stood at the large window that overlooked the city. Night covered the sky, but that did not mean darkness fall upon the streets. Lights from skyscrapers, stores, cars, and whatnot shone brightly, making night seem irrelevant. L was standing hunched over slightly with his thumb in his mouth; his usual position for when he was calculating a case. This particular case was that of Kira, the killer of criminals.

He was nearly sure that the murderer was Light Yagami. About 83 sure, in fact. Many things pointed to the college student, and the closer L got to him, the higher the percentage of Light being Kira went up. Light himself was currently working on the Kira case as well, trying to help catch the killer. However, that did not sway L at all. Being that close to Light actually helped the detective find more clues. L needed only a little bit more, and the case could be solved...but...

Part of him didn't want it to be solved. Part of L wanted Light to be innocent. Light was...a good friend, it seemed. L had quite enjoyed the tennis match they played against each other, even though it was initially to help decide whether or not Light was Kira. The two had also shared multiple conversations, and even though the talks were as well ways for the student to be tested in whether or not he was Kira, L still enjoyed speaking with the boy. Light was intelligent and could think on a level close to that of L's. L wished he could talk with him about many other subjects, but now was not the time... Now was the time for concentrating on finding Kira. L almost knew that Light was Kira. He was so close to being completely sure. The college student could quite very possibly be the one who ceased countless lives, who made victims of people around the world. Not only of criminals, but of policemen, too. He could be the one locked away forever for his heinous crime, for his foolish and reckless schemes, for heartlessly killing, and slaughtering, and brutally, horribly, mercilessly ending the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people--

But L enjoyed his company. If there were a chance to work with Light on other cases in the future, L would gladly take each opportunity. Light was almost... almost like... L's first real friend. No, he truly WAS L's first real friend. If things had been different, if the two had met under different circumstances, L might go so far as to think they could've been even best friends.

_Why is it like this, _L thought solemnly to himself as he stared out at the scenery before him. He turned and began pacing the length of the room. _Why...? My first friend... is a cold-hearted murderer. No... I don't have full proof of that yet. However, I do have a large amount of reason to believe that Light Yagami is indeed Kira... though there is still the percentage that he is not Kira. I could be wrong... But every single day leads to more reason... It's only a matter of time..._

_I don't want him to be Kira. I want to be wrong. I can't ignore the facts, though. The way he talks, thinks, acts even, frequently point to Kira. He's a killer. He's hurt so many people, taken so many lives. Or maybe he hasn't. Maybe I really am wrong. Maybe I'm overthinking Light being Kira, and it's someone else I haven't found yet. Perhaps Light and I can stay friends. No, no... I'm almost sure of my facts... Light is Kira. Light is Kira. If I arrest Light, then the Kira case will finally be solved. I want it to be solved, and I'm so close to catching Light..._

_But I don't want him to be Kira. I don't want my friend to be a murderer. I want my friend to be my friend. He's Kira, though. He's killed, and manipulated, and deceived, and... he's also been a good friend. What is he? Dammit Light, what are you? If you're Kira, then you've deceived me too, with everything, including friendship. If you're not, then you really are truly my friend... What are you?! He's Kira... Light is Kira... But maybe he's not. But he is! What if he's innocent? He's not! He could be... Kira, my friend is Kira! No!! I don't want it to be that way! But it is. Dammit. Light is Kira. He's my friend. Damnit. He's a murderer. Or is he? Dammit! I hate this. He's the first real friend I've had! Dammit! He's a killer! Although, he could be innocent. But he's not! But he could be!! What the hell is Light Yagami?! I hate this!! Dammit! Dammit!! DAMMIT!! DAMMIT!!_

"DAMMIT!!" screamed L as his fist slammed against the wall next to him, creating a loud banging sound. Once that sound faded, the room was once again silent, save the still-twirling fan. The young man stayed in his spot, standing by the wall with his fist still at it. He didn't move. Composure lost, he didn't know what to do with himself. So he stayed.

_Why is it like this...?_

The words echoed through his distant mind, over and over. And over. And over. For how long he stayed, he didn't know. He didn't care. It could've been hours, it could've been minutes. Throughout the entire time, only two things in the room had any motion at all. One being the ceiling fan, and the other was but a single, silent tear.


End file.
